My Life as a Facebook Narcissist

(Previously titled Facebook: Narcissism or Consociation?)

Recently, a Facebook friend of mine posted a comment on her wall about frustration with people who, in her opinion, are plagued with narcissism:

You can tell the people on FB who are narcissistic (i.e. absolutely in love with themselves) by the number of photos they post OF THEMSELVES!! LMAO! People, we know what you look like. 200 photos showing the same damn thing (YOU) is not interesting or exciting! SMDH!

I don't think that the post was directed at me, but after reading it, I started thinking about this and paused slightly to consider whether my posts were reflecting narcissistic behaviors. Let me say that I work in marketing and have several Facebook profiles that I maintain, so for the purposes of this blog, I am specifically talking about my personal page. 

I love the consociation created by Facebook. I love everything about the friendly connections created and often check the status of friends daily. My favorite thing about Facebook is that it allows people to stay in touch with those who don't get to connect daily. The name "Facebook" in itself describes the point of it all. Seeing photos of "faces" is a joy and gives me great pleasure. I thoroughly enjoy friends who post photos of their children as it allows me to reflect on how much they have grown. My daughter lives over 500 miles away with her dad for a school year. Her step-mom posts pics regularly so that I can feel included in her daily activities. 

Obviously, the point of my friend's post was that people love posting pics of themselves. Lots and lots of pics of themselves. She went on to say in an added comment:

. . . I just don't feel the need to take hundreds of photos of myself & slap them all over my FB profile. It comes across as self-absorbed & narcissistic, and contrary to what the poster may think, it makes for a highly uninteresting FB profile.

While I completely get her point. I find it funny that she has been my one Facebook friend that I have longed to see in photos. You see, this friend is a reconnect from my high school years. When I first got the friend request, I'll be honest in saying that I couldn't quite remember the connection. I ran to look her up in our 1987 yearbook and had that "aha" moment: "Oh yeah, I remember her". I accepted the friend request, excited to see what she'd been up to. I wanted to see what she looked like, not because I'm shallow, but because I was genuinely interested in her life as an adult. At the time, I couldn't find one face photo of her. Every profile pic, had a lion in the place of her face. I thought, "ok, she is a private person". We have been friends on Facebook for a couple of years, and very rarely do I see her face on Facebook. I will say that she is a very interesting person, probably the most interesting of my fb friends. She is well traveled and wise beyond her years. She has a motivational fb page that allows her to share uplifting quotes and tips on living. I have noticed in some of her posts that she has a healthy amount of self love, but I would delight in seeing more of her face. While I appreciate her love for the lion species, it makes me want to say "you are a beautiful woman, stop hiding behind the lioness!" 

When I see photos of others smiling, it makes me smile. Seeing people happy, makes me happy. When I read posts of my friends going through a rough time, it makes me pause and say a prayer. I checked my own profile, and definitely fit my friend's depiction of a narcissistic person, if you go purely based on the pics posted. I'll accept that label. I even noticed that my blog has a slide show of pics of me with my family. Geez - maybe I need therapy! I'm probably not going to change because I know that my family and some  friends get the same joy that I get from their photos.  

What do you think? Do you consider yourself narcissistic?

An unexpected BFF

I just returned from spending a week in Kansas. My daughter and I stayed in the home of Tom and Nicole: Tom, the man that I lived with for ten years, seven of which he was my husband; and Nicole, the woman he is now married to, along with their two children.

There are certain ideas about friendship that seem to be unwritten rules for society. One rule is that you are supposed to hate your ex-husband's wife. She's supposed to be the nasty step-mother to your children and the point of contention for many of your own inadequacies. This rule just makes it easier for you to say mean things and feel better about your pathetic self.

I guess I'm just not a rule follower, because I have found an unexpected friendship with my ex's wife, Nicole. She is one of the most awesome people that I know. Nicole is one of those people that is so full of love that you just can't help but love her back.

As I was planning the trip, I had every intention of staying in a hotel. I thought it would be best for my daughter, Laura, to spend her Spring Break with Tom's family without me there; not to mention it was just a little weird. Immediately, Nicole would not hear of it. She tried to convince me that she wanted me there because she was homesick for friends. She was excited about the idea of having someone to hang out with who was over the age of four years old. At first I said "no", stuck by my guns and even spent time on Priceline.com looking for an affordable hotel. Then Laura participated in a beauty pageant. I spent a little more money than I budgeted because it was just so darn fun to see her all "beauty'd" up. And then . . . gas prices!! Gee Wiz, they went up to $3.60 per gallon. Definitely a factor that I hadn't planned three months ago. So I broke down and decided that I would stay in their home. Apprehension dissolved as soon as I walked in the door. Tom and Nicole welcomed me into their home and showed me a great time.

Part of the trip was to acquaint Laura with her new school. Laura will be living with Tom & Nicole for her freshman year of high school. While I'm supportive of this decision, I wasn't sure I was going to like the idea of my baby living so far away from me for a whole school year. Nicole, Laura and I visited her new school and it was fabulous. The school is like a mini-college, with many wonderful academic opportunities. Now I'm not sure how I'm going to get Laura to come back home. In fact, it made me want to go back to school just so I can go there too.

A highlight of the trip was the fact that it overlapped with April Fool's Day. Nicole and I pulled off a hilarious joke on Tom. We told him that I was going to move back to Kansas, live in their basement for six months to a year, all on his dime. We were both surprised when he was ok with it. We had to push the envelope and say some really crazy things before he started to squirm. Nicole and I laughed until we cried. That sure told me that we were great friends!

My favorite experience from my stay was the love that I found in their home. I instantly fell in love with Nicole's two girls. I already had somewhat of a relationship with them, but this trip made me confused about who they are to me. I now have feelings for these two babies that I can't really quantify. I'm not going to even try. Love is love, no matter who the person is. This morning when I woke up in my own bed, I missed the sounds of Rebecca singing and Natalie getting ready for school.

I'm so happy that I had the chance to stay for a whole week in their home. It gave me a chance to see that Tom and Nicole are the perfect match for each other. And let me say, for anyone who knew Tom when we were married, this is not a bad thing. Tom has grown into a wonderful new man and only the shell remains of who he was when we were together (with a touch of the old passive aggressive behaviors - haha!). Nicole has done for him what I always wanted to do but couldn't. She has shown him what love in a family means. He is a great dad to his girls and a wonderful husband to Nicole. This was great to see and helps me move passed some of the anger that I've held for too long. One day, I'll be able to let go of it all and until then, hopefully trips like this will help.

Obviously, when I first knew of Nicole, I didn't want to like her, but it didn't take long for me to see the character of this woman. She loved my daughter so much that she wouldn't let me "not" like her. Within a couple of years, we tolerated each other. Another year and I really liked her a lot. I used to tell my friends that if she wasn't married to my ex-husband, I think we could be really good friends. After five or six years, it was at a point where I could say that we were really good friends, even though she was married to my ex-husband. During this week, my friendship with Nicole grew to a new level. And I can now say that I have found an unexpected BFF in Nicole.